Starting a new job is exciting and daunting, a new chapter to do something significant but the fear of – what if? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I am no good? If you are like me, you are naturally plagued by thoughts that lean more negative because in taking chances, we know we can lose; how the word loser found its meaning.
For me, there was no question if I would take the job; an immediate yes turned into grappling fear. I looked around at my life, career, friends, family, relationship, and apartment littered with possessions, and I wondered if giving it all up was the right decision. For the first real-time, I was confronted with trying to make a choice that truly satisfied me, which meant losing it all in the hope of something greater. It was a decision I had to make solely with the bigger picture in mind despite having no idea what my future looked like. It was a time I looked back on and could see the power of the mind, the angel and the devil. It was a challenging period that led me to something so unfamiliar and foreign I didn’t know how. I got on my knees and prayed, not for anything; I didn’t even know what.
Once I sat down in my thoughts, I looked around; I was miserable, I spent next to no time in my apartment, I was in an awful relationship, I wasn’t growing, merely getting through every day with fleeting moments of joy. Once I realised this, the reality I had learnt to live with, I was ready. Willing to fail, prepared to be loathed and laughed at. I was ready to take a chance.
Let it begin
Once you pack your whole life up and realise it’s just a few boxes of things you probably don’t need, the reality sinks in. Is this all I have to show for who I am? Cumulatively it pushes you forward to make something worthwhile of your life.
When I arrived in Cambodia, I looked at my surroundings and boy, were they different. But I was going to Iraq in a few weeks, and for the first time, I was genuinely enjoying the work I was doing. It was an experience I had yet to become familiar with. As with anything, it took time to adjust, but it was also the most significant period of my life.
Lessons I have learnt
In coming home, the last week and especially today, I realise I am not the person I used to be. In many ways, I feel like a shell of who I once was, and perhaps for the first time I look in the mirror and the reflection, the visuals are not what I see. The hard truth, for me anyway, is that I have come to realise the falseness of closure, never to forget why you left in the first place. A bad relationship doesn’t get better; you naturally outgrow your friends; you have bad days and the absolute necessity of relishing in small pleasures.
The riskiest decision in life is not leaving things and people behind; those meant for you will support you. The most dangerous thing is to never try for something, to not do the things you fear.
Today I am stronger, more opinionated through education, driven and determined. All the heartbreak, lousy feedback, and anxiety led me to where I am today; I am where I am supposed to be.
Next steps
Today I write this as a pledge to ensure the season of my life is so big and worth it. My job allows me access to places and people I would have through no other position. I want to use this job to show a different side of the regions I go to and help those along the way.
I have some of the most extensive and challenging tours in the next few months, and I am so excited.
Today the new next chapter begins.
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